Rants in My Pants

Today has been a hellacious day so far, and it isn't even noon. Let's go through the events thus far:

4:16am - Alex's alarm goes off. His flight from Cleveland to Texas takes off in less than two hours. I wearily brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on a pair of jeans as he jumps through a shower.

4:37am - Leave his apartment and load up my car. There is a homeless man sleeping in the car next to mine. I count my blessings.

4:38am - It starts to snow. I love snow!!

4:51am - Drop Alex off at the airport. Crack open an energy drink and plug in my iPod. It is snowing REALLY hard. Hmm, maybe now isn't the best time for my favorite form of precipitation to make an appearance. Make my way back to the highway.

4:53am - It starts to sleet. I HATE SNOW. I HATE SLEET. Turn up the heater, then strip off my coat, scarf, and mittens because I can't breathe. It is like a tropical rain forest in my car. Would opening the window to let in fresh air defeat the whole purpose of the defroster?

5:45am - Stop for gas. Note with horror that the left front tire is looking really low again. How?! I refilled it with air THREE DAYS AGO. Shake my fists at the heavens as the fat flakes of f-ing snow swirl around me.

5:49am - Try to put more air in the tire, but there is a quarter jammed in the slot. Why isn't air free? I just spent $40 filling up my gas tank, can't they throw in a little air so I don't die on the way home? I mean, we're surrounded by the stuff, for goodness' sake, all they do is add pressure.

6:06am - Butt hurts from the spill I took yesterday as Alex and I were walking in the pouring rain. Totally bit it right in front of a parking garage attendant. Fell hard on my arse and my elbow (which was still a little bruised from my fall last week). Sitting here in the car for so long? Not so fun.

6:30am - Realize that I really, REALLY have to go to the bathroom. I could pull off at the next exit, but it is pitch black outside and still snowing/sleeting ridiculously hard. I hate using public restrooms when I am alone. I envision chainsaw-wielding, skimask-wearing, hooks-for-hands men lurking in public restrooms just waiting to prey on unsuspecting girls. But not me, I am...suspecting? Whatever. I shake my head and continue on. Only an hour to go, I can make it!

6:37am - Start to formulate the pep talk I will have to give myself when my tire inevitably blows and I'm stranded by the side of the road for hours waiting for AAA to arrive. I'm not above peeing in the woods, especially if hidden by my car. Psycho killers would be stupid to hide in the woods in this weather. Psycho deer, on the other hand...

7:10am - The snow finally starts to let up. I am only 20 miles outside of Columbus and traffic is starting to get much heavier. Also, slower. Still really need to heed the call of nature.

7:29am - HOORAY I AM HOME! Take just enough time to turn off the car before hurling myself through the garage door and into the bathroom.

7:32am - Go back to the car to get my stuff.

7:34am - Turn on the shower and scream at the top of my lungs when I get in and am stabbed by the icicles of the freezing water. Decide I am clean enough. Pull hair back in ponytail. Make mental note to have a roommate conference later about taking shorter showers.

7:45am - Go upstairs and realize that my roommates bought a Christmas tree and decorated the entire first floor while I was gone for the weekend. Cry a little on the inside and feel even more left out than I usually do.

8:30am - Get to work and tell my boss that I need to take my lunch hour ASAP so I can drive my car to the dealership to have the tire inspected. She says I can go now. I wonder if the muffin I had for breakfast will tide me over until the end of the day.

8:52am - The maintenance guy shows me the huge nail he pulled out of my tire. Then he sits down and tells me in a fatherly fashion that I really need to bring my car to the dealership to be inspected, since I'm still under warranty there. He looks like Snoop Dogg. Then he says they won't charge me anything for removing the nail. I want to hug him. Or smoke some chronic with him and Dr. Dre.

9:43am - Back at the office. Starting to get hungry. Realize I will have to sneak out again later to go to the Subway down the street. Wonder what else will happen today. Sigh heavily.