Saying Goodbye

I don't know if it's been noticeable in my posts, but I've been in a huge funk for the past week and a half. It's sort of ironic that I was nominated for Funniest Blog by 20-Somethings and then immediately felt more un-funny than I have in a long, long time. And it isn't just because of the job drama going on. There has been some family stuff too, stuff that has been at the root of many sleepless nights and weird dreams. Stuff that has been stressing me out and just hurting my heart. My amazing, lovable grandfather passed away yesterday morning. I managed to hold it together when Mom called from the hospital to tell me he was gone, but as soon as I called Alex to break the news, I couldn't stop sobbing long enough to actually tell him what had happened.

My grandfather had diabetes and dementia and had been in a nursing home for the past few months. Last week, he fell and fractured his hip. Mom managed to catch a flight out there the next day to see him and be with my grandmother. While he was in the hospital, he suffered a severe heart attack and then caught pneumonia (which apparently is really common in older patients). At that point, there wasn't much anyone could do except keep him company, make him comfortable, and hope for the best. But it was just too much...we knew what would eventually happen. While it hurts so much right now to know that my grandfather is gone, I'm so, so thankful that he's not feeling alone or confused or in any pain.

As the oldest grandchild (and a granddaughter, at that) I knew that I was his favorite. After all, it was I who christened him Dampa since I couldn't pronounce "Grandpa" when I started to talk, and thus started a trend with the eight grandchildren who followed. When we visited Dampa and Mimi out in Massachusetts, he always slipped me the biggest portions of dessert. He taught me how to build sand castles and eat lobsters at Woodman's (and also how to race the live ones against each other out on the deck). He laughed at me when I was too chicken to swim in the frigid ocean. He owned almost every single Disney movie ever made, and loved to sit and watch them with us on the rainy days when we couldn't go to the beach. When I was little, he always saved a place for me in his bed on Saturday mornings so that we could watch cartoons together (Winnie the Pooh was our favorite). Dampa built Sarah and I our very own dollhouses for Christmas one year, and I think those are still the best presents we have ever received. I remember calling him throughout grade school whenever I did really well on a big paper or project, and he was always so genuinely proud of me every single time. He was the only person I've ever known who regularly used the word "cunning" in everyday conversation, and who could never quite remember not to say "damn it" so often in front of the kids. And when I made Dampa laugh, especially in the later years, it was the best feeling in the world. Dad, Sarah, and I are flying to Boston tomorrow morning and then driving up to my grandparent's house in Annisquam to be with everyone and attend the funeral in the tiny church where my parents were married. It has been years since my mom's entire side of the family was able to get together. Though this is obviously an event that we all prayed would never happen, Dampa was sick for a long time, and I think he'd like to know that we were all together celebrating his incredible life and how much we loved him. How much we will always love him.